Book Review and some vulnerability

Disclaimer: long post alert :)

Last year, my friend Nicolle gave me "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," by Lori Gottlieb. As someone who is hesitant about marriage in the first place, I automatically judged this book by it's title and put it at the bottom of my stack of books. I'm a strong person and don't need some lady trying to tell me I need a man to be fulfilled, I thought. Yet, when I was packing for California, something inside me urged me to pack this book. So, I did. Now, seven months later, I finally read it. And let me tell you... this book put me in my place.

Romantic relationships are difficult for me. Actually, that might be an understatement. It's just dangerous territory. I've faced heartbreak and been hurt badly in the past... it has jaded me and made me very picky. I'm a "nit-picker"... I sabotage the good things that come my way because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Vulnerability is a requirement of being in a lasting relationship and I just haven't been capable of that because I have a really hard time trusting people. I've been deceived in the past, and I fear being betrayed again. I've lived by the quote, "sometimes you have to build walls not to keep everyone out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

With this mindset, I've built myself to be the "strong" girl. The girl who focuses on school, on work, and on taking care of everybody else. I'm the planner, the driven and ambitious girl. I'm the one most likely to get married last... by my own admission. I always say "there is plenty of time," and "I'm still young - what's the rush?" Sometimes I even wonder if I will ever get married. Not because I feel like I'm not good enough, but because I'm not sure I can do the institution of marriage justice.

Gottlieb presents a convincing case of what my life is going to look like if I don't change my mindset.  At 41, Gottlieb is a single mom who for years tossed relationships aside in an effort to find The One, only to realize that her approach was all wrong.

Through mindful research and stories of both her own experiences and those of others she has encountered in life, Gottlieb shows how culture has shifted the view of what makes a successful relationship and what it takes to stay in that relationship. Gottlieb details the fascination with "butterflies" and the need to feel constant passion in order to determine if someone is The One. Alternatively, she derails the idea of The One, saying that multiple people throughout our lives can be perfect for us and it's up to us to make the choice about how we approach someone, how we feel about someone, and how we choose to manage the relationship. She encourages people look for what makes a good partner, rather than searching for "the spark" because the spark fades and ultimately, it's most important that we find someone who will be our partner - someone who will go through the trenches of life with us and have our back every day. She admits that this mindset sounds unromantic, but her research has shown that approaching relationships in this manner will ultimately lead to a more fulfilling romance - one that shows itself in daily life in meaningful ways, rather than big sweeping gestures that really don't mean all that much over time.

I appreciated this aspect of the book from the beginning, mainly for the reason that I pride myself on being "realistic" and actually have very similar views from her research of what a relationship and marriage should look like. Gottlieb wasn't always so aware, though. Her reason for writing the book was because she started out very much like me: picky. She had a laundry list of things she wanted out of The One. Throughout her time researching for this book, she had sessions with a dating coach, spent countless hours on online dating sites, and had many people tell her that her expectations were too high. When her dating coach told her that her criteria limited her to about 2% of the local population of men, and that a portion of those men wouldn't even be interested in her, she started to face reality.

So am I. Now, I wouldn't say that I have a laundry list of "must haves," but when I date someone, I ultimately find things that bother me or that I wish were different. One guy I used to have feelings for always dressed in athletic gear -- my irrational side thought "when we're adults and I bring him to a work Christmas party, will he even be able to look presentable?" For this same guy, I said to my friends, "he's really nice, but he doesn't challenge me. I just don't feel 'it'." What I really should have been asking myself is if we had the same goals in life. One of Gottlieb's assignments from her dating coach was to narrow her list down to the three most important "must haves." I thought this was a great exercise!

I am going to start blogging about my efforts to fix my commitment issues and work toward making myself available to be in a relationship. I promised vulnerability at the beginning of 2011 and this will be me at my most vulnerable and will help to keep me accountable. I need to shift my mindset. I need to be more open to relationships and I need to break down the walls.